When women hurt each other (and why it can hurt so much)

Editor’s note:

This piece came from a quiet place. From conversations we’ve had privately, and feelings many of us recognise but don’t always name. It’s about friendship between women; the good, the painful, and the space in between.

There’s an unspoken rule many of us grow up with: women should always be there for each other.

And often, we are. We listen, we remember the details, we show up, we care.

But sometimes, quietly and painfully, women can hurt each other too.

And when it happens, it can land harder than we expect.

Often harder than if the same thing came from a partner or a family member

Why it hits differently

With women, we tend to open up more: we talk about the unpolished things. The thoughts we don’t share widely and parts of ourselves that feel raw or unfinished.

When friendships are built this way, they hold weight because they become places we trust. So, when something shifts or breaks, it doesn’t feel small, it feels personal, very personal.

And that reaction isn’t dramatic. It’s natural.

The stories we tell ourselves

When we’re hurt by another woman we felt close to, the mind fills in the gaps:

She doesn’t care, she chose this, I must not matter.

But often, the reality is quieter.

Most people aren’t trying to hurt others, they’re trying to protect themselves.

Pulling away, going quiet, avoiding conversations. these are ways people cope when they don’t know how to stay without causing more damage.

Distance can feel easier than explaining yourself when you don’t have the words, or the energy, or the certainty.

Knowing this doesn’t take the sting away but it can change how you hold it.

Letting it hurt (without burning everything down).

If you feel hurt by someone, it makes sense to feel it. You don’t need to rush to understanding or smooth it over. You kind of need to sit in it. (Easier said than done, we know!)

What can help is shifting the question from why did this happen to what do I need now.

Sometimes the answer is space and time. Not building up walls. Not confrontation or ultimatums. Just space.

This might look like pulling back, lowering your expectations, redrawing your boundaries and letting a friendship breathe differently for a while.

Closeness doesn’t have to be permanent

At our November event we discussed friendships at length and we all recognised that not every relationship is meant to stay the same forever. (If you want to read more about the discussion, read this link, or head to She Shares Circle).

Some friendships are intense and close for a season.

Some soften into something quieter, some drift, without drama or blame.

And some don’t come back.

That doesn’t mean anyone failed. It just means life moved, and we did too.

Being there for each other doesn’t mean holding on at any cost, it means knowing when to loosen your grip.

Another way forward

You can feel hurt and still believe there wasn’t cruelty behind it. You can protect yourself without hardening and you can step back without closing the door forever.

That is strength.

At She Shares, we believe connection works best when there’s room for honesty, space and distance when needed and respect for what each of us can give at any given time.

The most supportive thing you can do for yourself in these moments is pause, look after yourself, and trust that understanding often arrives later, quietly, without needing to force it.

What psychology tells us (if you need a little further evidence)

Much of this may feel instinctive - things you’ve felt but perhaps never named. But it’s also supported by well-established psychological thinking around emotional bonds, stress and relationships.

• Close friendships carry real emotional weight

• When those bonds are strained, it feels personal because it is

• Distance is often about self-protection, not lack of care

• Stepping back can be healthy

• Time changes how we see things

  
  

These ideas sit within broader research on how humans form emotional bonds, how we respond to stress, and how relationships naturally shift over time.

If you’d like to explore further, you might look at the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth on emotional bonds in close relationships, or Shelley Taylor’s research on how people seek connection under stress - as well as wider writing on boundaries and adult friendships.

Our 'kind of' conclusion (in case you skipped all the way down here!)

Ultimately, don’t be too hard on yourself. Some things are simply out of your control - and that loss of control is often part of what hurts the most.

Let yourself feel it. Sit with the disappointment, the confusion, the sadness. None of it means you’ve done something wrong. And please know, more often than not, it isn’t about you.

People pull back for many reasons - fear, overwhelm, self-protection - and those reasons don’t cancel the care that once existed.

You’re allowed to protect yourself without rewriting the whole story.You’re allowed to give things time. And you’re allowed to let relationships change shape without carrying guilt for it.

Sometimes the kindest ending isn’t a conclusion at all -just space, softness, and the trust that clarity often comes with time.